the calm inside me
in the space where I can breathe
I believe there is a
distance I have wandered
to touch upon the years of
reaching out and reaching in
holding out holding in
I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as I can be
left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand
From "elsewhere" by Sarah McLachlan
A couple of steps forward, one back. I'll have a great day on the drug and then have a so-so one. I'll have that classic, can't-catch-your breath -anxious pang, and I am reminded of how much of my life I have spent trying to avoid that feeling.
But... the good news is, I am doing a lot of personal work. ADD (and I state this skeptically, depending on if this is what "it" really is) is not going to be cured by a pill or anything else. The more I read (and believe me, I am, prolly about 200+ articles so far) the more I am realizing of how much work and self discipline I am going to have to execute to dig myself out of this hole I'm in. I am basically retraining my thoughts and the way I do things. I am realizing how important structure is in my life and how my life has been devoid of that for some while now. When I think back on times past, different scenarios - when my life had to have more structure for whatever the reason was (biggest example, when my son was living) those were the happiest, most balanced, healthiest times of my life. I was at my best and had so much to contribute to others' lives. Right now, I don't really feel I have a right to contribute cause I don't feel like I have much to give cause I'm such a mess.
So, I am learning the importance of to do lists and referring to them often, in addition to my dry erase board and my planner. I don't put off paying bills, if I get one and the proper funds are in my account, I pay it then. So many times I've paid bills late, not cause I didn't have the $$ but because I hated paying bills so I would put them off and bam, my credit card interest rate would go from an awesome 5.99 to 21. Ridiculous and all because of carelessness. I wish I had all the money that I have lost due to my lack of interest and ability to budget and keep up with paying bills on time... not reading fine print on bills and getting charged for things or services I haven't signed up for. Not understanding things I was reading, like insurance stuff, terms of credit cards.... I used to say in high school even that numbers were like Chinese to me, they frustrated and intimidated me. I guess I have continued that philosophy til now and have used it as an excuse to not take control over my "fear of numbers".
I guess I've been doing something right all these years cause I have next to perfect credit and I own two homes. As with many other aspects of my life I spose there is some "method to the madness" that has worked, but I am ready for one that works even better. I am learning!! I am self employed, so my income is different every week. It rarely goes below a certain figure so I usually have a good idea of what I'll make that week. Up until this past Wednesday night, I have never analyzed what it costs to operate my business and what I need to make each week to cover those costs plus the cost of living bills that I am responsible for paying for our household. At first I was mortified. This was exactly the reason I had been avoiding analyzing that info!! Things had always just seemed to work out not knowing, and not knowing meant me not getting upset of freaking out or feeling more pressured... so why fix it if its not broke??
Well, my new thing is perseverance. It usually takes a rock bottom of sorts for me to stop some sort of negative behavior. I think my rock bottom was doing those numbers, knowing that my income could lessen, not having sold our home in dville and the constant bad news of lay offs. It's scary, serious shit.
"Keep score, do more" was something that I heard at a hair show recently by Godiva Salon owner and visionary, Tony Promiscuo. I haven't been keeping score but now I plan to. And if I don't do more, but atleast keep doing what I'm doing, then I'll be happy.
Could amphetamine be helping me to take more interest in these typically overwhelming tasks? Could it be somewhat the "placebo" affect in that I think that im now supposed to be doing these things so I am?? I would be willing to bet that even a doctor couldn't answer that question for sure.
So, I am hoping that with employing the holistic, self help methods that I am learning about plus a medication that is right for me and lots of prayer in hope to get a spiritual "okay" to these choices, that I'll be on a path that will lead me to personal fulfillment and be better company for anyone who crosses my path, especially my husband, mother and close friends - the people who I feel like have suffered due to my illness (not to mention my coworkers, and prolly even clients to a degree).
So, I'm not sold on the drug yet but I haven't written it off either.
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