Friday, January 30, 2009

Ego.

Well, this makes day 7 with taking speed, amphetamine, whatever.

I'm not sure what to make of it. This week has been a massive mix of feeling focused, anxious, sleepless, being able for the first time in ages w/out sleep aid, motivated, euphoric, depressed, fulfilled, hopeless...

Lemme break it down. I am a self employed hairdresser. One of my main reasons for seeking treatment/medication for my suspected add was to help me gain better organization so that I might gain better insight/control over my business. I am a horrible business person with the ability to make good money. So far, being on this drug has been a double edged sword. I have been better at keeping up with formulas and being better organized in general and I have been doing kick ass hair. I think I have been able to focus better when clients are speaking to me instead of zoning out .. but at the same time I feel I have been a little more socially awkward and have been stumbling over my words and not able to articulate myself as well.  So... I have noticed advantages and disadvantages. 

Take yesterday for example. I got up and before I had even taken my meds, was very anxious and worrisome  over the current economic situation and the fact that my business has been slower. We still have not sold the house in Dville so that has been an extra 700+ out of pocket each month for nothing. I was feeling very agitated and upset after spending the night before crunching numbers, realizing that it was taking every cent I was making at work to pay bills, nothing left over for anything else, and if work slowed down anymore, I'd be in the hole. Well... I took both doses of my meds and I was even more anxious and was in a state of hyperventilating all day. Finally, after being miserable and even questioned by a client "was I okay" took a quarter of 1 mg attivan, to which I  calmed down, caught my breath, and could hold a decent conversation. What to do?

Today  I was off work and was home all day. I took my meds and was able to focus and tackle  various tasks that I would of normally put off because of the mundane nature. I felt somewhat isolated but at the same time enjoy being in my own little world of music, art, and self concern. I talked to my mom about 45 minutes on the phone about recipes and politics... sheesh I feel old. Also, I am going to see a client that is a cpa who I am hoping can advise me and Matt as to what to do with our $$ in light of not having sold MY home and make the most of our money in case one of our incomes are dramatically slashed. 

I feel guilty (as I always do) feeling bad about my situation whereas their is so many folks who are in a much worse financial situation then myself. But I can't help it. This is me and I set my standards so that I am in perseverance mode, not  waiting til all hell has broken loose and my credit is shot. If we could just sell the Dville house, things would be so much easier and I wouldn't be as stressed or worried. 

But back to the drug. It has been an equal mix of positive and negative. I have come to the conclusion (because as my therapist has said I am so "body aware") that whatever mood I am in, it is amplified by the amphetamine. That can be good and bad. I have lost about 5 lbs. this week. It does curb your appetite which for someone as vain as myself can be a positive, But... I am still cooking and  planning meals as I normally do.

Whatever the case may be, whether I am add, bi polar, whatever, I will not stay on this drug but for so long. It is helping me to accomplish certain tasks and to stay focused which is a plus but the fact that it has affects on the heart and has such addictive qualities make me be very unsure and anxious about this treatment. We'll see.

Might I add that I have done really good hair this week and have enjoyed music more than I have in quite some while.        


2 comments:

  1. I think creative people are always a bit add, we're so busy soaking everything in, trying to make sense of it. We live in a world were everything is thrown at us in montage it's hard to wrap a thought around it. and the daily do required is not of intrest as you point out, it's a distraction for what we are hard wired to do, slows the creative process.

    Then there's all the history of emotion to balance....

    Don't be afraid to switch meds. and adjust dosage.

    I can relate to the whole of it and I like your writing style.

    I'm glad you bumped into me so I can bump back often.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete