William Blake
Yesterday I felt good and had high hopes (no pun intended) of this medication working for me and hopefully determining whether I do actually have add or not.
I didn't sleep well last night, which I was expecting, knowing that this is a side effect of the med. I have never slept well as long as I can remember, but esp. worse in the last couple of years. I have a scrip for attivan that I reserve for taking before bed, a few times a week so I will be able to get some restful sleep here and there. I do not feel that I am physically addicted to the attivan... I rarely to never use them any other time but to help me sleep and I usually only take half of the recommended dose. Yeah, it sucks having to depend on them to that extent, but it beats walking around like a zombie, sleep deprived. I am not the type person to be able to function well without much sleep... you would almost think I would be by now after having problems sleeping all these years, but I don't.
Anyhow, when I don't get my proper rest I am very anxious and irritable the following day. I took my meds this morning and did not feel the happy surge of energy and well being that I felt yesterday. I didn't feel much of anything other than the irritability amplified. I went about my days activities and took my second dose around 2; same thing as earlier, no good feeling. Maybe, possibly, I was a little focused and able to get through my housework and duties a little better than without but I'm not certain.
The doctor had mentioned at my visit that he wasn't ruling out bi polar disorder and that my response to this med would dictate that. I have been reading quite a bit about bi polar today and I still say no. Yeah, I show a few of those symptoms but I do not feel I identify with them nearly as much as add. I have never experienced "mania" and I have never been suicidal. Yeah, I have acted on some impulses of a sexual nature in my life but they were alcohol induced and/or miserable in the current relationship. I have never had debilitating bouts of depression. I don't have wild mood swings. I'm pretty even-keeled, even when turmoil is in my life. I don't have the intense highs where I want to do lots of stuff and have all this extra energy or delusions of grandeur that I am some super human (that actually sounds appealing compared to my usual lack of motivation and apathy)...
So... I'm a little disenchanted with the situation as compared to a few days ago. I was feeling hopeful that finally I would have a correct, clear cut diagnosis, be given the perfect meds and would start feeling a lot better. Maybe my body needs time to adjust to them?
I've also been feeling guilty today about taking the meds. It goes against my spiritual beliefs. I believe that God has all the answers and when you depend on man instead of him to fix problems then you will be let down. Maybe this is a spiritual issue and I'm looking for the answers in the wrong places. Maybe today is an isolated incident and tomorrow I'll have a great experience with them.
Uggghhh... I hate being so wishy-washy and having the ability to see so many different sides to things. It's like a friend said earlier today, it would almost be easier being some narrow minded thinker that never thought about things objectively.... I just hope to get a decent nights' sleep. I took my evening primrose oil supplement and some valerian and melatonin. And I broke down and took a quarter of an attivan.
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