Well, today went down pretty much as I'd expected but hope that it wouldn't. Drove Matt to his job at 7am and dropped him off so that he could go on his business trip.. came home and went about my usual Monday responsibilities; cleaning, laundry, groceries, cooking... I even made time to go for a walk on the farm behind my house because of the wonderful sunshine and near 60 degree temperatures. My mom came for dinner around 5 to enjoy with me the pot roast, jasmine rice, gravy, steamed green beans and carrots. I figured once my mom left would be when things would get weird... and I was right.
I have no neighbors where I live and the solidarity can be quite overwhelming at times. Its very strange... it is either my best friend or my worse enemy, depending on my mood. I am not scared to be alone in the house and I don't mind sleeping by myself. But today, the building up of emotions prior to today, the side effects of the drug I'm taking and the intense cold rain that set in out of nowhere after a day of spring like weather brought out an angry, scared beast in me that I had a feeling would rear its ugly head, eventually. 10 pm rolled around and I knew that bedtime was not far off and waited for Matt to call. I knew he was prolly out with his colleagues doing the dinner and drinks thing, fine. 10:45 rolls around and I am pissed and hurt, my anxieties were in full swing and the two large glasses of pinot noir wasn't helping things much. I call Matt and he answers, very callous (probably due to the fact that he was in front of his work pals, or atleast it better have been)... I didn't hold back at all and lit into him about his being inconsiderations to the fact that it was close to my bedtime and didn't feel like waiting up for his goodnight call. He seemed flustered and asked could he call me back in a few minutes. I hung up in his ear. It was on.
Well, when 11pm rolled around and he hadn't called back, I was livid. I called him back and started going off and yelling in a way that I haven't in quite some while. He said he had been drinking and wasn't in the best frame of mine. So the next 30 minutes consisted of me making personal attacks ranging from "I don't want to be married to you anymore" to all sorts of other things that I had no right saying. In my mind all I could see was that I felt Matt was being inconsiderate by not having called me earlier. After all, he knew how unhappy I was about him leaving me for two nights esp. feeling so out of sorts on this drug. I was so caught up in my own unwarranted emotions, me, me, me, that I couldn't see that all he did was have a innocent time drinking with a coworker. He could of been doing way much worse and I have.
So as usual, when I am feeling upset or insecure about something, instead of dealing with it in a healthy way, I direct it at a unsuspecting for the most part innocent bystander, usually whoever happens to be my boyfriend or husband at the time. Its fucked up but its what I do.
One day I'm gonna do this and I'm not gonna be able to apologize and take it back after I've came to my senses the next day. The person is gonna be all "eff you crazy lady, get a life, and I'm outta here". Am I testing people to see if they really love me and are willing to put up with my crazy outbursts? I wonder. I don't understand why I feel some of the things I feel and why I react to them in the unhealthy, irrational way that I do. I don't like it, and I can't afford to push anyone away that I care for.
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I understand that kind of anxiety. It swells until I think I'll burst. Then often I do; especially when I'm near starting a period. It scares me especially now as I'm just beginning a new relationship. I find that the phone, texting and e-mail serve to add to the expectation to have access at any time. It's weird; I feel I have to touch base, like a compulsive needing to touch a light switch.
ReplyDeleteI think more than anything it's a need for affirmation-It's too much. I want to be more chill. I wonder what kind of behavioral something we can do when we think we will burst if we try to contain it.