All alright.

I started this blog 2 weeks in hopes to objectively document my experience with my new "add" diagnosis and my reactions to the drug that I was prescribed.

I still don't really know what to think. Some days I feel like I see a tremendous difference, others, none. I think I see the greatest benefits when I am working, which is definitely a plus. Instead of rushing through things I find I am more focused and and intent on doing a good job. I believe I am zoning out less and not getting as distracted with things going on around me. There have been some days I have had a lot of anxiety but I have noticed that those were days that something had me anxious or worried, not the drug itself causing it. Sometimes I feel like I am more social than others and able to articulate myself better than usual and other times I feel like I stumble over my words and particularly self conscious.

I was really hoping to see more of a difference during the time I spend at home; seems like I may be spending a little less time dilly-dallying.... I'm still easily distracted and prone to getting off track with my chores. Then again, today after taking my second dose around 2pm, I made pork chops, green beans, coleslaw and roast tomatoes, all under 2 hours (how's that for some classic add-like multi tasking??). It's like once I get started doing something I do it intensely and proficiently, but it's just the getting started....

I've lost a few pounds. It is true, it does curb your appetite. However, sometimes it weird cause I'll have more intense hunger pangs then normal!

So, I am wondering how addicted I have become to this drug and don't realize it yet. I haven't not not taken it since I've had my scrip. I've never been a pill-popper, more of a drinker and pot smoker. The doctor told me that a lot of people choose not to take their meds on days where they don't have or want to get much done.. I never have those days!! I mean, I guess I could but I feel useless and worthless when I do. I'm not much on organizing but I hate a dirty house. I should skip a pill soon and see what happens. I have been told I am on a real low dose of this stuff though, don't know if that has much to do with things. I would imagine so.


I go back to the doctor a week from this Friday. My conclusion so far is this; I think the drug is helping but I fear that I am starting to fall into that mindset that I want the pill to fix everything for me and not have to do as much self-help, habit changing stuff that has been proven to be as if not more effective. I am still doing the to-do lists, several in fact.

I could always go back to no drugs, which I plan to do eventually. The drugs were something I was hoping to use a constructive tool to help pull me out of this abyss of muddled thoughts and depression that I've been in my whole life. To sort of gimme a jump start on a new way of living. I guess you just never win with drugs though, prescription or street, no matter what your intent is.... if you can put them down when the time comes to put them down, then everything is okay. But for some of us, that is easier said then done. Even with the ones that prove positive benefits for us, then comes the effects that they have on our organs, the toxicity issues, the withdrawals.. Is it worth it? Is it ever worth it??

Yeah, meditation and exercises helps. Eating pure food helps a lot. External positive factors, eliminating the negative influences helps. But when you are so beat down that you can't, when you don't have the motivation to do those things.. then what??