struggles..

Nothing new. Taking higher doses of drug. Battling with whether I really need this or not... in some respects it helps in others it deters... guess it's much like life, generally speaking.

All alright.

I started this blog 2 weeks in hopes to objectively document my experience with my new "add" diagnosis and my reactions to the drug that I was prescribed.

I still don't really know what to think. Some days I feel like I see a tremendous difference, others, none. I think I see the greatest benefits when I am working, which is definitely a plus. Instead of rushing through things I find I am more focused and and intent on doing a good job. I believe I am zoning out less and not getting as distracted with things going on around me. There have been some days I have had a lot of anxiety but I have noticed that those were days that something had me anxious or worried, not the drug itself causing it. Sometimes I feel like I am more social than others and able to articulate myself better than usual and other times I feel like I stumble over my words and particularly self conscious.

I was really hoping to see more of a difference during the time I spend at home; seems like I may be spending a little less time dilly-dallying.... I'm still easily distracted and prone to getting off track with my chores. Then again, today after taking my second dose around 2pm, I made pork chops, green beans, coleslaw and roast tomatoes, all under 2 hours (how's that for some classic add-like multi tasking??). It's like once I get started doing something I do it intensely and proficiently, but it's just the getting started....

I've lost a few pounds. It is true, it does curb your appetite. However, sometimes it weird cause I'll have more intense hunger pangs then normal!

So, I am wondering how addicted I have become to this drug and don't realize it yet. I haven't not not taken it since I've had my scrip. I've never been a pill-popper, more of a drinker and pot smoker. The doctor told me that a lot of people choose not to take their meds on days where they don't have or want to get much done.. I never have those days!! I mean, I guess I could but I feel useless and worthless when I do. I'm not much on organizing but I hate a dirty house. I should skip a pill soon and see what happens. I have been told I am on a real low dose of this stuff though, don't know if that has much to do with things. I would imagine so.


I go back to the doctor a week from this Friday. My conclusion so far is this; I think the drug is helping but I fear that I am starting to fall into that mindset that I want the pill to fix everything for me and not have to do as much self-help, habit changing stuff that has been proven to be as if not more effective. I am still doing the to-do lists, several in fact.

I could always go back to no drugs, which I plan to do eventually. The drugs were something I was hoping to use a constructive tool to help pull me out of this abyss of muddled thoughts and depression that I've been in my whole life. To sort of gimme a jump start on a new way of living. I guess you just never win with drugs though, prescription or street, no matter what your intent is.... if you can put them down when the time comes to put them down, then everything is okay. But for some of us, that is easier said then done. Even with the ones that prove positive benefits for us, then comes the effects that they have on our organs, the toxicity issues, the withdrawals.. Is it worth it? Is it ever worth it??

Yeah, meditation and exercises helps. Eating pure food helps a lot. External positive factors, eliminating the negative influences helps. But when you are so beat down that you can't, when you don't have the motivation to do those things.. then what??

Humble beginnings...

Everywhere you look, every channel you turn to, everyone you talk to - you can't escape it. We, this country, are in big trouble.

My parents - but more so my dad - grew up in the depression. He always encouraged me to understand the importance of not living outside your means and not getting in debt. I listened, but I didn't. My parents didn't use credit cards and if they did, they'd pay them off immediately.

I wished I'd listened to him and really took to heart what he was saying. I would always rationalize my spending by saying "some people like money, some people like what money can buy" or the famous "you can't take it with you!".

It's not like you wake up one day and have thousands of dollars of debt. A couple hundred here, fifty there, that unexpected, spontaneous vacation that you validate by needing it for your mental health... you marry someone that has a few thousand on a credit card... its a snowball affect that the creditors hope you'll fall prey to.

Credit for everybody! It's the American dream! No matter how poor you are, you can have pretty much whatever you want! Well, because of that way of thinking,that dream is now a nightmare. It's hard to believe that so may of us, so many of us who knew better, fell into this trap!!

I am hoping that I can treat this like all the other hardships in my life - as a lesson and an opportunity for growth. I'm just hoping that this isn't one of those "it's too late" kind of lessons to learn. Sometimes I get really worked up about it and wonder what we'll do if my business continues to drop off and we don't sell the other house. It's taking everything we make now to make it. I don't want to be like people I know who are my age and have already had to file bankruptcy. What if Matt gets laid off from him job like so many other people in this country, especially those who work in factories? I get so pissed at myself and feel like a big loser, a big irresponsible loser for not saving money back when I had one house payment and made more money... why did I have to be so careless and not think about the future?? I was too busy thinking about and living it up in the here and now. Another depression?? No way, that was in the old days, the powers that be would NEVER let that happen in this country again! Too many smart, responsible folk in important positions to let something like that happen to their people!!

So now you think.... will it get even worse? Some people seem to think so. I feel guilty for even worrying about what might happen because for so many people there is no "what if", its a cold hard reality and they have kids to take care of, which at least I don't have to worry about... God bless those people.

What's wrong with me?

Well, today went down pretty much as I'd expected but hope that it wouldn't. Drove Matt to his job at 7am and dropped him off so that he could go on his business trip.. came home and went about my usual Monday responsibilities; cleaning, laundry, groceries, cooking... I even made time to go for a walk on the farm behind my house because of the wonderful sunshine and near 60 degree temperatures. My mom came for dinner around 5 to enjoy with me the pot roast, jasmine rice, gravy, steamed green beans and carrots. I figured once my mom left would be when things would get weird... and I was right.

I have no neighbors where I live and the solidarity can be quite overwhelming at times. Its very strange... it is either my best friend or my worse enemy, depending on my mood. I am not scared to be alone in the house and I don't mind sleeping by myself. But today, the building up of emotions prior to today, the side effects of the drug I'm taking and the intense cold rain that set in out of nowhere after a day of spring like weather brought out an angry, scared beast in me that I had a feeling would rear its ugly head, eventually. 10 pm rolled around and I knew that bedtime was not far off and waited for Matt to call. I knew he was prolly out with his colleagues doing the dinner and drinks thing, fine. 10:45 rolls around and I am pissed and hurt, my anxieties were in full swing and the two large glasses of pinot noir wasn't helping things much. I call Matt and he answers, very callous (probably due to the fact that he was in front of his work pals, or atleast it better have been)... I didn't hold back at all and lit into him about his being inconsiderations to the fact that it was close to my bedtime and didn't feel like waiting up for his goodnight call. He seemed flustered and asked could he call me back in a few minutes. I hung up in his ear. It was on.

Well, when 11pm rolled around and he hadn't called back, I was livid. I called him back and started going off and yelling in a way that I haven't in quite some while. He said he had been drinking and wasn't in the best frame of mine. So the next 30 minutes consisted of me making personal attacks ranging from "I don't want to be married to you anymore" to all sorts of other things that I had no right saying. In my mind all I could see was that I felt Matt was being inconsiderate by not having called me earlier. After all, he knew how unhappy I was about him leaving me for two nights esp. feeling so out of sorts on this drug. I was so caught up in my own unwarranted emotions, me, me, me, that I couldn't see that all he did was have a innocent time drinking with a coworker. He could of been doing way much worse and I have.

So as usual, when I am feeling upset or insecure about something, instead of dealing with it in a healthy way, I direct it at a unsuspecting for the most part innocent bystander, usually whoever happens to be my boyfriend or husband at the time. Its fucked up but its what I do.

One day I'm gonna do this and I'm not gonna be able to apologize and take it back after I've came to my senses the next day. The person is gonna be all "eff you crazy lady, get a life, and I'm outta here". Am I testing people to see if they really love me and are willing to put up with my crazy outbursts? I wonder. I don't understand why I feel some of the things I feel and why I react to them in the unhealthy, irrational way that I do. I don't like it, and I can't afford to push anyone away that I care for.

Loneliness.. what would I do without you??

I don't mind being alone in any respect as long as it's by my own doings.

But when it's not my own doings I don't take kindly to it. In fact I go into panic mode. I know, silly, especially if it's only gonna be for a few day... separation anxiety?!

I should count how many times I have used the word "anxiety" in the last 8 days in these blogs. That could be a wake up call within itself.

He's in Richmond, getting some training for his job. We have only been apart 2 nights since we have pretty much known one another which has been about 2 and a half years. Those two nights were when I went to that hair show this past September.

Old Dog, New Tricks.

I love the time and in between
the calm inside me
in the space where I can breathe
I believe there is a
distance I have wandered
to touch upon the years of
reaching out and reaching in
holding out holding in
I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as I can be
left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand   

From "elsewhere" by Sarah McLachlan

A couple of steps forward, one back. I'll have a great day on the drug and then have a so-so one. I'll have that classic, can't-catch-your breath -anxious pang, and I am reminded of how much of my life I have spent trying to avoid that feeling.  

But... the good news is, I am doing a lot of personal work. ADD (and I state this skeptically, depending on if this is what "it" really is) is not going to be cured by a pill or anything else.  The more I read (and believe me, I am, prolly about 200+ articles so far) the more I am realizing of how much work and self discipline I am going to have to execute to dig myself out of this hole I'm in. I am basically retraining my thoughts and the way I do things. I am realizing how important structure is in my life and how my life has been devoid of that for some while now. When I think back on times past, different scenarios - when my life had to have more structure for whatever the reason was (biggest example, when my son was living) those were the happiest, most balanced, healthiest times of my life. I was at my best and had so much to contribute to others' lives. Right now, I don't really feel I have a right to contribute cause I don't feel like I have much to give cause I'm such a mess. 

So, I am learning the importance of to do lists and referring to them often, in addition to my dry erase board and my planner. I don't put off paying bills, if I get one and the proper funds are in my account, I pay it then. So many times I've paid bills late, not cause I didn't have the $$ but because I hated paying bills so I would put them off and bam, my credit card interest rate would go from an awesome 5.99 to 21. Ridiculous and all because of carelessness. I wish I had all the money that I have lost due to my lack of interest and ability to budget and keep up with paying bills on time... not reading fine print on bills and getting charged for things or services I haven't signed up for. Not understanding things I was reading, like insurance stuff, terms of credit cards.... I used to say in high school even that numbers were like Chinese to me, they frustrated and intimidated me. I guess I have continued that philosophy til now and have used it as an excuse to not take control over my "fear of numbers".  

I guess I've been doing something right all these years cause I have next to perfect credit and I own two homes. As with many other aspects of my life I spose there is some "method to the madness" that has worked, but I am ready for one that works even better. I am learning!!  I am self employed, so my income is different every week. It rarely goes below a certain figure so I usually have a good idea of what I'll make that week. Up until this past Wednesday night, I have never analyzed what it costs to operate my business and what I need to make each week to cover those costs plus the cost of living bills that I am responsible for paying for our household. At first I was mortified. This was exactly the reason I had been avoiding analyzing that info!! Things had always just seemed to work out not knowing, and not knowing meant me not getting upset of freaking out or feeling more pressured... so why fix it if its not broke?? 

Well, my new thing is perseverance. It usually takes a rock bottom of sorts for me to stop some sort of negative behavior. I think my rock bottom was doing those numbers, knowing that my income could lessen, not having sold our home in dville and the constant bad news of lay offs. It's scary, serious shit. 

"Keep score, do more" was something that I heard at a hair show recently by Godiva Salon owner and visionary, Tony Promiscuo.  I haven't been keeping score but now I plan to. And if I don't do more, but atleast keep doing what I'm doing, then I'll be happy.

Could amphetamine be helping me to take more interest in these typically overwhelming tasks? Could it be somewhat the "placebo" affect in that I think   that im now supposed to be doing these things so I am??  I would be willing to bet that even a doctor couldn't answer that question for sure. 

So, I am hoping that with employing the holistic, self help methods that I am learning about plus a medication that is right for me and lots of prayer in hope to get a spiritual "okay" to these choices, that I'll be on a path that will lead me to personal fulfillment and be better company for anyone who crosses my path, especially my husband, mother and close friends - the people who I feel like have suffered due to my illness (not to mention my coworkers, and prolly even clients to a degree). 

So, I'm not sold on the drug yet but I haven't written it off either. 

Ego.

Well, this makes day 7 with taking speed, amphetamine, whatever.

I'm not sure what to make of it. This week has been a massive mix of feeling focused, anxious, sleepless, being able for the first time in ages w/out sleep aid, motivated, euphoric, depressed, fulfilled, hopeless...

Lemme break it down. I am a self employed hairdresser. One of my main reasons for seeking treatment/medication for my suspected add was to help me gain better organization so that I might gain better insight/control over my business. I am a horrible business person with the ability to make good money. So far, being on this drug has been a double edged sword. I have been better at keeping up with formulas and being better organized in general and I have been doing kick ass hair. I think I have been able to focus better when clients are speaking to me instead of zoning out .. but at the same time I feel I have been a little more socially awkward and have been stumbling over my words and not able to articulate myself as well.  So... I have noticed advantages and disadvantages. 

Take yesterday for example. I got up and before I had even taken my meds, was very anxious and worrisome  over the current economic situation and the fact that my business has been slower. We still have not sold the house in Dville so that has been an extra 700+ out of pocket each month for nothing. I was feeling very agitated and upset after spending the night before crunching numbers, realizing that it was taking every cent I was making at work to pay bills, nothing left over for anything else, and if work slowed down anymore, I'd be in the hole. Well... I took both doses of my meds and I was even more anxious and was in a state of hyperventilating all day. Finally, after being miserable and even questioned by a client "was I okay" took a quarter of 1 mg attivan, to which I  calmed down, caught my breath, and could hold a decent conversation. What to do?

Today  I was off work and was home all day. I took my meds and was able to focus and tackle  various tasks that I would of normally put off because of the mundane nature. I felt somewhat isolated but at the same time enjoy being in my own little world of music, art, and self concern. I talked to my mom about 45 minutes on the phone about recipes and politics... sheesh I feel old. Also, I am going to see a client that is a cpa who I am hoping can advise me and Matt as to what to do with our $$ in light of not having sold MY home and make the most of our money in case one of our incomes are dramatically slashed. 

I feel guilty (as I always do) feeling bad about my situation whereas their is so many folks who are in a much worse financial situation then myself. But I can't help it. This is me and I set my standards so that I am in perseverance mode, not  waiting til all hell has broken loose and my credit is shot. If we could just sell the Dville house, things would be so much easier and I wouldn't be as stressed or worried. 

But back to the drug. It has been an equal mix of positive and negative. I have come to the conclusion (because as my therapist has said I am so "body aware") that whatever mood I am in, it is amplified by the amphetamine. That can be good and bad. I have lost about 5 lbs. this week. It does curb your appetite which for someone as vain as myself can be a positive, But... I am still cooking and  planning meals as I normally do.

Whatever the case may be, whether I am add, bi polar, whatever, I will not stay on this drug but for so long. It is helping me to accomplish certain tasks and to stay focused which is a plus but the fact that it has affects on the heart and has such addictive qualities make me be very unsure and anxious about this treatment. We'll see.

Might I add that I have done really good hair this week and have enjoyed music more than I have in quite some while.